6-21-2012
Happy Solstice, pagan loners!
I have a real treat for you today. I discovered some ancient comics I drew when I was ten. It’s a short series documenting my bitter clash with the villainess “Katy S.” Allow me to set the scene: Throughout all of elementary school I was in love with Brian. He was a star student, and exceptionally handsome for his age:
Brian was certainly aware of my feelings- I stared at him ceaselessly, and dedicated all my art to him in art class. But he was very quiet and studious, and never made any official statement regarding my obvious love for him. He played it pretty cool, this guy! Nevertheless, for six years my ardor never wavered.
BUT THEN in 5th grade there was a new girl named Katy (who is now a news anchor!). Previously, I had eviscerated any other girl who foolishly ventured to crush upon Brian. But Katy could not be stopped! Not only did she refuse to acknowledge my prior claim on Brian, she also treated me with such “niceness” as to confound my attempts to vilify her. Most of my friends were on Katy’s side, or maturely refused to get involved. I remember a particularly embarassing incident on the playground, in which I dramatically stormed past Katy’s crowd by the monkey bars, loudly declaring,
“Come on, GANG.”
I expected everyone to immediately follow me. (No one did.)
So begins our 5-part series. Tell me, does anyone else have a bitterly hated childhood enemy they’d like to lambast in the comments section? I invite you to do so! Release your bile upon us all!
your friend,
maggie
PS Stay tuned for a Special Announcement, plus news of what some of your fellow awesome loners are up to this summer.
My best friend Becca and I hated this girl Crystal for no apparent reason. When a friend of ours became best friends with Crystal, we were convinced she had become a “rotten egg” ( I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean).
Then Becca’s twin brother developed a crush on Crystal!! This was just too much for us, especially when he undid all our work (mainly just glaring when she turned the other way) by…. wait for it….BEING NICE TO CRYSTAL!
We stopped talking to him for like a whole hour out of spite.
No apparent reason is the best reason to hate someone, I must say. Becca’s twin brother sounds like a true “rotten egg,” perhaps even a serving of “freakin cottage cheese.” I’m glad we both attach vile food products to our enemies.
Oh, Maggie. You’re a little crazy and I love it!
When I was in grade seven, all the guys and girls had already started kissing. I’m pretty certain no one was doing it right, and given that most of the boys hadn’t yet mastered oral hygiene I’m sure their kisses weren’t terribly pleasant – but my god did I want a kiss! Every time I witnessed another girl gagging after a halito-kiss I couldn’t help but think she was the luckiest girl ever.
So one day I propositioned my good friend Chris Yang to give me a smooch. He wasn’t very attractive at the time so I figured I would be making his day.
“Ew, no!” I remember him saying as he pushed me away. “You’ve got a weird nose!”
I was pretty peeved. I mean, who did this guy think he was? Jesus? So after writing him a two page essay on why I would be the perfect person to kiss (and receiving a one paragraph statement on why I should continue leaving him alone), I proceeded to tell everyone how madly in love Chris Yang was and how, in spite of his angry advances, I just couldn’t relinquish my unsmooched lips.
Yeah, it was low. But eventually everyone found out I was a big fat liar. And laughed. Boy, did they laugh at me. And I hated Chris Yang even more.
Corey, thank you for sharing this bizarre and masterfully written tale. I wish I could contact Chris Yang and interview him for his side of the story.